FACTS BEYOND CONJECTURE

Ailing Reptiles seen as Omen

Is it pure coincidence that the US is finally engaging in a great national debate over the severity of Global Warming at the exact time that an epidemic of reptilian HIV has hit alligators in West Florida drainage canals? Unlike the human variety, victims of gator-AIDS do not wither and die but rather detach their limbs, spend six or seven months in brackish waters as gargantuan tadpoles and then totally metamorphose into bellowing Tampa realtors and patent attorneys.

Jeb Bush

This phenomenon is quite possibly related to the enigma a decade back when medical waste of undetermined origin washed up on South Florida beaches and manifested in the trunk of Tamarac restaurateur Herschel Gomez' red '88 Impala. These bizarre events do suggest a synchroneity that could also lend credence to the claim that the noted portly owner of the only glatt kosher Taco Bell on the US Eastern Seaboard (there are three in Burbank, CA and plans for one in Melbourne) was once abducted from the New Jersey shore by a UFO. The alleged abduction occurred 35 years ago following a Passaic concert by Little Anthony and the Imperials. Little Anthony himself was never implicated but the three Imperials were questioned by police after causing a post-performance ruckus in a Hackensack strip-bar called the Bada Bing. Owner Johnny Soprano did not press charges.

Hillary Clinton

Mystic Polling?

Tampa Realtor Ali G

Meanwhile, it has been reported that Senator Hillary Clinton, no stranger to the realm of seance, has sought out the discarnate Grigory Yefimovich Novych (Rasputin), in order to gauge her chances to become America’s first female president. Eight years as White House czarina has only served to whet Mrs. Clinton’s appetite for the spotlight. The contact purportedly came last month near Orlando as the former First Lady and Governor Jeb Bush inadvertently met in the reading room of Mme Shanti Dombrowski, the celebrated Winter Park psychic. The Grigory Yefimovich link was also confirmed by the Mad Monk's only surviving descendant in America, Miami CPA Manuel Mankiewicz. Manny's Hialeah bowling league teammates are convinced that the Cuban-Russian accountant also knows the precise location of long-hidden Romanov Dynasty treasures that could financially lift an eventual Hillary for a Presidential campaign. Mr. Bush, on the other hand, seeks psychic opinion on whether he must re-launch his political career somewhere in South America now that his older brother has trashed the Bush reputation for government competence throughout the United States.

Having served myself occasionally as consulting astrologer to the Reagan White House, I would advise the “Jebster”: Stick with Paraguay. No beachfront land speculators, hurricanes or crocodiles.

Professor Kurt Stanislaw Jacobi, a native of Northwestern Wallachia, holds a Ph.D in psychotropic engineering from the Comenius University of Bratislava, where he graduated summa cum laude in 1948. During the late 50's, Dr. Jacobi was a visiting scholar on the faculty of CCNY where he first postulated his now famous integrated theory of inversional constructs (ITIC) which ultimately made possible the Apollo moon landings, the Camp David Peace Accords and microwave popcorn.