Chicken Choke may rival Chicken Soup as Miracle Therapy

Hollywood Urologist/Psychic Mohammed Mahoney heads for Sydney (via Basra) to check the latest medical findings on wanking as cancer prevention while Aussie tour promoters anticipate a rise from the results. Plus Jesus is spotted on a tree in the Philippines, a Canadian schoolboy confesses and This Date in Amazing History.

Irish-Iraqi specialist Mohammed Mahoney (a board-certified physician with a thriving
urology practice in Hollywood, FL) informs us he will extend his biennial trip overseas this year to include a swing through Sydney after he visits Uncle Abdullah and other members of his mother's family in Basra this April. Mohammed wants to attend the Workshop on Confrontation, Confusion and Challenges in Oncosexology sponsored by ISSC (International Society for Sexuality and Cancer).



In particular Mahoney wants to hear the update on a sensational 2003 report by Australian researchers indicating that the vigorous practice of masturbation, especially in a man's younger years actually reduces the risk of prostate cancer in later life. The findings by medical investigators by Melbourne's La Trobe University were part of The Australian Study of Health and Relationships, the largest and most comprehensive survey of sexuality ever undertaken Down Under. Telephone interviewed 19,307 respondents between the ages of 16 and 59 years, a sample that consisted of 10,173 men and 9,134 women randomly selected from all states and territories of Australia.



Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits. They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer. The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s. Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. The news was greeted with excitement and relief among millions of thankful “wankers” around the globe anxious to learn if the discovery will be confirmed by subsequent studies in other localities.


Up the coast in Brisbane, our friend Dr. Barry Corrigan reports that tour and hotel operators of Queensland’s tourism-dependent Gold Coast region aren’t waiting for further medical surveys to start cashing in on what they see as an unprecedented promotional bonanza. “It’s not clear yet what any follow-up studies may show,” says veteran tour guide Rolf Sickerdick,”but as far as people here concerned the case is made already..masturbating IN AUSTRALIA wards off cancer. And that’s what we’re going to be marketing.” Sickerdick’s firm is already packaging Great Barrier Reef sail trips aimed an expected surge of American visitors “Pleasure cruise takes on a whole new meaning aboard our state-of-the-art schooner the Wankee Trader!” proclaims one brochure. Two new uber-neon-studded beach-front dance palaces, The Choked Chicken and Monkey Spanker will open their doors to an anticipated clamoring clientele next month while certain restaurants plan to lure Canadian and Jamaican visitors with heavily advertised nightly “jerked chicken at your table” specials. And the local Warner-Brothers theme park is said to be exploring how to tastefully pander to the family trade with Woody Woodpecker.



Corrigan notes that plans have already been announced for an extravagant 900-seat cabaret-style nightspot that will be named Le Club sWANK and erected, appropriately, next to the world’s tallest residential building, the Q1 (“The Shaft”) perhaps now destined to be more emblematic of the city than ever. For his part, Mahoney will attend the Sydney ISSC conference with an eye to possibly getting funding for a similar prostate-link study underway here in Fort Lauderdale (a Sister City to Queensland’s Gold Coast). “There couldn’t be a more natural place in the US for such a survey,” says Mahoney. After all, everyone KNOWS what the peninsula state is shaped like.”

AMAZING STORY UPDATES…

Family sources report that owners of the Hong Kong-based Fong-Wam-Bang Electronics empire are having second thoughts about financing American-born grandson Fu-Tze (Footsie) Feldman in a 2008 US Congressional race. For one thing, they reason, the Democrats control Congress again so how effective could a freshman Republican like Feldman be even if he won? Another cause for concern is the prediction by psychic Herschel Gomez that Footsie will woo and subsequently marry pop-star Britney Spears later in the year. From Malaysia, uncle Chuk Wam-Bang says he thinks the reclusive grandparents reckon a showbiz marriage and a simultaneous political campaign would draw far too much inquisitive publicity for the family to handle… Just six days after we relayed the story from Cowpie Corral, Alberta concerning a miraculous papal visage on a schoolboy’s apple, some 2,000 people swarmed into the town of San Enrique in the Philippines on Christmas Day to view an image of Jesus Christ that seemed appear on the trunk of an acacia tree. There was some difference of opinion whether you had to be standing 10-feet away while light hits the trunk in a certain way and whether there was also an angel hovering behind the face. The San Enrique mayor guessed there might be a logical explanation for the appearance while a skeptical town pastor flatly proclaimed the apparition a hoax. Sadly, that’s the also the latest word from Cowpie Flats as well where eighth-grader Barton Gilhooley ultimately confessed to doctoring his Granny Smith apple with an emerald magic marker. He explained was trying for an image of Wayne Gretsky but wound up with something that witnesses said looked like a younger version of Pope Benedict instead. He was suspended from Meadow Muffin Middle for three days over the prank.

ON THIS DATE IN AMAZING HISTORY…

15 JANUARY 1346 Holy Roman Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria bestows upon his wife Margaretha, Holland and the oft-contested, war-torn province of Zealand. He would have preferred to give her a New Zealand but it would take Dutch navigator Abel Tasman 400 years to show up and find one.

15 JANUARY 1535 Henry VIII declares himself head of the English Church and thereby replaces Pope Clement VII, in the hearts of his subjects, as the model for Christian rectitude and moral probity that the British Royals have upheld to the present day.

15 JANUARY 1920 Prohibition (the 18th Amendment or Dry Law) goes into effect in the United States driving “demon rum” underground where it flourishes and “speakeasies” sprout up in thousands of communities across America. Selling liquor and beer becomes illegal but not drinking so millions of Yanks encourage lawbreakers and organized crime hits the Big Time. The 18th Amendment is repealed in 1933 and brazen flouting of the law is once more largely confined to politicians.

15 JANUARY 1955 Nearly ten years after the shooting stopped, the USSR, moving with characteristic dispatch and deliberation ends its state of war with the German Federal Republic (West Germany). Six years afterward, the Russians build a wall across Berlin that will stand until the Soviet Union itself begins to fracture in the 1980s.

A Canadian Core of Belief

Mary on toast: Hollywood icon for sure?

About two years ago a woman who lives down the road from me, sold on E-bay what was purported to be an image of the Virgin Mary still visible on a decade-old toasted cheese sandwich. The Hollywood, Florida-made morsel fetched a tidy $28,000 when the bidding ended despite the fact that the iconic face resembled Toronto-born film star Mary Pickford more than any Holy Virgin of note.


Still, in age where cynicism and gloom are rampant, it is uplifting to note another faith-related event that took place last month in the Alberta township of Cowpie Corral, about 50 km southeast of Calgary. During the bus ride to Meadow Muffin Middle School, eighth-grader Barton Gilhooley opened his lunch box and discovered, staring back at him from the obverse side of his Granny Smith apple the discernible image of a youthful Pope Benedict XVI (!) as identified by bus driver Blanche Slocum.

The 12-year-old, not knowing whose image it was, promptly took the possibly miraculous fruit to the school office where stunned counselors and an assistant principal summoned a priest, a rabbi and an orthodontist to examine the object more closely. Upon closer inspection, the somewhat indistinct image was determined not to be the pope at all but, in fact, the controversial British patriot Benedict Arnold! At that point, the priest, New York-born Father Elvis Flanagan declared the apple to be possessed and telephoned the Archdiocese in nearby Moose Poop Flats to arrange an exorcism while Rabbi Sharon Shipperton and orthodontist Javier Kawasaki got into an argument over the proper pronunciation of the town name. Newcomers prefer the vaguely French-sounding “Ko-PAY Corral” to the earthier original. Old-timers say such trifling with tradition would only confuse the town with Tombstone, Arizona and a celebrated gunfight there.

Benedict or Arnold? We'll never learn the apple "apparition"

But before any of this could be satisfactorily resolved, a ravenous sixth-grader, Wendy McDonald, sent to the office for tardiness, grabbed the apple from the assistant principal’s desk and gnawed it to the core, utterly obliterating the image. And despite the frantic efforts of orthodontist Kawasaki to extract evidentiary fragments from the child’s braces, the apple apparition was irretrievably lost.

The most remarkable thing about the entire episode was that young Wendy later that day passed her first history quiz since third grade. It has to make you believe.

Are we there, Yeti?

Still in the Canadian hinterlands, we are greatly relieved that our sources report that those repeated sightings of a “Big Foot” or Susquatch in the Yukon Territory on two November weekends has turned out to be nothing more frightening than US Vice President Dick Cheney returning from previously undisclosed hunting forays in over-sized Wal-Mart sportswear. Though, the notion of “Robo-heart Richard” with any sort of weapon in hand is a bit scary.

Meanwhile, those who sought to connect the repeated “creature” sightings with a recent spate of cattle mutilations in Northwest Canada will have to look elsewhere for a culprit. Equally remarkable, none of the veep’s hunting companions were injured on this trip but an angry grizzly bear (whom the NRA life member missed by a mile) nearly advanced incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to within an unassisted heartbeat of the presidency until Secret Service agents and an off-duty Mountie rescued the surprisingly agile 65-year-old from the branches of a Whitebark Pine near the Alaska border.

Cheney: missed the bear by a mile but thankfully shot no humans

Perhaps the Moonwalker was really there

It may sound incredible but our intrepid psychic investigator Herschel Gomez of Miami confides that those Michael Jackson child molestation accusations of the 1980s and 90s have turned out to be absolute fabrications perpetrated by malicious extraterrestrials.

Gomez says he has been allowed to see compelling evidence that one of the purported 13-year-old “accusers” is actually an octogenarian alien named Merzunngthhh from the Crab Nebula and that poor Michael himself is the product of clumsy extraterrestrial experiments performed at a secret lunar base on an otherwise normal but talented black child briefly abducted from a concert tour with his brothers in 1977.

The ghastly pallor, disfigured nose and limp stringy hair were all produced by exposure to intergalactic isotopes that likewise rendered Jackson incapable of relating to beings his own age unless they are chimpanzees.

Rising Number One Son

Determined to rebound from 2006 Congressional losses, Florida Republican party stalwarts have just about persuaded dashing Fort Lauderdale tax attorney Fu-Tze Fong Feldman to make a race for the U.S. House in 2008 and win back the in the state’s 22nd district from freshman Democrat Ron Klein.

Should he secure the nomination it will be “Footsie” Feldman’s task to convince thousands of Northeastern retirees that they would not be losing a Jewish voice in Congress but gaining a Chinese mensch on Capitol Hill.

One thing is certain, a Feldman campaign wouldn’t be likely to run short of cash thanks to doting Hawaiian-Chinese grandparents controlling the multi-billion dollar Fong-Wam-Bang Electronics empire based in Hong Kong. Back in 1968, these folks spent $750,000 on Footsie’s bilingual (Hebrew-Cantonese) bar-mitzvah at the Honolulu Hilton which featured Jan Peerce, Don Ho and maternal uncle Senator Hiram Fong on the electric horse-headed fiddle.

Professor Kurt Stanislaw Jacobi, a native of South Central Wallachia, holds a Ph.D. psychotropic engineering from the Comenius University of Bratislava, where he graduated summa cum laude in 1948. During the late 50's, Dr. Jacobi was a visiting scholar on the faculty of CCNY where he first postulated his now famous integrated theory of inversional constructs (ITIC) which ultimately made possible the Apollo moon landings, the Camp David Peace Accords and the introduction of Pizza Hut outlets to Antofagasta, Chile.

SPACEY 2007 PREDICTIONS

Vice President Dick Cheney in his US humvee

In this edition of Professor Jacobi's Amazing Realms, Mohammed Mahoney comments on photographs that not only promise to answer questions which have long baffled archaeologists but which also validate important scientific findings.

Also included, the annual New Year Psychic Predictions for 2007 as issued by Miami seer Herschel Gomez.

Peruvian UFO’s may validate Inca Theory

Further examination of a snapshot taken in the Andes last year by an Australian tourist could be the clearest evidence yet validating one of the central tenets of the Extrapolated ITIC findings published a decade ago by my good friend and noted Irish-Iraqi sensitive Mohammed Mahoney. What appears to be a fast-moving metallic object moving between the Andean peaks near the fabled Macchu-Pichu “Lost City” of the Incas could be, says Mahoney, photographic proof that present-day Incas, like their Pre-Columbian forebears, had extraterrestrial help in constructing their cities.



UFO at Macchu-Pichu, Peru


Archaeologists have long speculated how Meso-and South American societies, which did not use the wheel, could have transported immense blocks of solid stone from distant quarries. Mahoney also hastens to point out another photograph taken in broad daylight earlier this year at the Mayan pyramid of Chichen-Itza by a Puerto Rican visitor. The Yucatan object is either some sort of bifurcated UFO, a humungous butterfly or possibly a slice of apple hurled about 50 metres from the camera.

UFO (or butterfly) at Yucatan pyramid

Mahoney, a freelance researcher who investigates the paranormal during off hours from his urology practice in Hollywood, CA, suggests that he may mount his own Macchu-Pichu expedition in early 2007 to seek additional UFO-related evidence on the matter.


Michael, Liz & related Psychic Prognoses

Our good friend and noted Miami seer Herschel Gomez has issued his annual New Year Psychic Predictions for 2007. For the record, his tally of hits and misses over the past twenty-five years is slightly better than the late Jean Dixon’s and 30 times more accurate than Mme. Shanti Dombrowski of Orlando, who in 1985 confidently predicted that a disoriented Loch Ness monster would finally be netted in the Thames Estuary of all places and, astonishingly, disgorge a perfectly preserved (albeit deceased) Amelia Earheart, two HMS Titanic life-preservers and Eva Braun’s gold souvenir cigarette lighter from the 1936 maiden flight of the Luftschiffbau Zeppelin Hindenburg. Dombrowski claimed a partial hit with the discovery of the entire Titanic wreck later that year.


Herewith highlights from the Gomez 2007 crystal ball:

• By late next summer ex-New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s prospects for the 2008 Presidential nomination will be further reduced when it is revealed that, in addition to being a divorced Roman Catholic, previously sealed court documents identify him as the unnamed “other primate” who figured in the infamous 1992 break-up of singer Michael Jackson and one-time housemate Bubbles the Chimpanzee.


Michael and Bubbles in happier times


• Recently disgraced Evangelist Ted Haggard will return to the news when a “Rehabilitation Retreat” with several young pastoral colleagues at a remote Colorado Springs park is disrupted by someone or something resembling Big Foot who drags the hysterical Haggard into the forest. Following months of fruitless searches for the missing preacher, a bearded and remarkably unscathed Haggard will emerge from the woods to found a new doctrine based on claimed visions during the ordeal, The Gospel of St. Susquatch.

• On the eve of her 75th birthday, Elizabeth Taylor, will finally admit that the aforementioned Michael Jackson is indeed her own love child by onetime heavyweight champ Sonny Liston (and subsequently adopted by the Jackson family to spare Liz further grief with then-hubby Eddie Fisher.) Following this disclosure, Michael will fly to the Pepe Cortada Clinic in Chichihuenango, Guatemala before Easter for one last surgical procedure in a tortured son’s lifelong attempt to more closely resemble his natural mother.

• Britney Spears will meet and fall wildly in love with Fort Lauderdale tax attorney Fu-Tze (Footsie) Feldman, the Chinese-Jewish heir to the Fong-Wam-Bang Electronics empire based in Hong Kong. In the fall the couple will be making plans for a honeymoon in Kuala Lumpur at the home of uncle Chuk Wam-Bang. And by Christmas, the company’s Mandarin-singing Beijing Britney doll will be a toy world mega-hit in the Far East.

• A devastating spring earthquake will level much of Euro-Disney World but the ruins will prove much more popular (especially the Hall of Headless Presidents) among French visitors and the park will actually turn a third-quarter profit.

• In May, look for the FBI to investigate a series of ghastly but surgically precise cattle mutilations in and around Crawford, Texas. The president blames al-Qa'ida terrorists but the culprits are never found.

Bush and the possibly doomed Pooch

• Finally, Barney the White House Scottish Terrier will meet an untimely end when his kennel is inadvertently misrouted at Andrews Air Force Base aboard an Iraq-bound military transport. Before the mistake is discovered, the First Pooch will fall into the hands of jihadists who threaten an on-camera canine execution if US troops are not withdrawn. After worldwide outcry and appeals from the pope and Islamic leaders, the terrier is released unharmed but is accidentally run over by a US humvee driven by Vice President Dick Cheney who was dispatched to Baghdad to bring the heroic hostage home.


Professor Kurt Stanislaw Jacobi, a native of Southeastern Wallachia, holds a Ph.D. in psychotropic engineering from Comenius University, Bratislava, where he graduated summa cum laude in 1948. During the late 50's, Dr. Jacobi was a visiting scholar on the faculty of CCNY where he first postulated his now famous integrated theory of inversional constructs (ITIC) which ultimately made possible the Apollo moon landings, the Camp David Peace Accords and the release of all Tennessee Ernie Ford’s love songs on mp3 compatible compact disc.