Chicken Choke may rival Chicken Soup as Miracle Therapy

Hollywood Urologist/Psychic Mohammed Mahoney heads for Sydney (via Basra) to check the latest medical findings on wanking as cancer prevention while Aussie tour promoters anticipate a rise from the results. Plus Jesus is spotted on a tree in the Philippines, a Canadian schoolboy confesses and This Date in Amazing History.

Irish-Iraqi specialist Mohammed Mahoney (a board-certified physician with a thriving
urology practice in Hollywood, FL) informs us he will extend his biennial trip overseas this year to include a swing through Sydney after he visits Uncle Abdullah and other members of his mother's family in Basra this April. Mohammed wants to attend the Workshop on Confrontation, Confusion and Challenges in Oncosexology sponsored by ISSC (International Society for Sexuality and Cancer).



In particular Mahoney wants to hear the update on a sensational 2003 report by Australian researchers indicating that the vigorous practice of masturbation, especially in a man's younger years actually reduces the risk of prostate cancer in later life. The findings by medical investigators by Melbourne's La Trobe University were part of The Australian Study of Health and Relationships, the largest and most comprehensive survey of sexuality ever undertaken Down Under. Telephone interviewed 19,307 respondents between the ages of 16 and 59 years, a sample that consisted of 10,173 men and 9,134 women randomly selected from all states and territories of Australia.



Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits. They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer. The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s. Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. The news was greeted with excitement and relief among millions of thankful “wankers” around the globe anxious to learn if the discovery will be confirmed by subsequent studies in other localities.


Up the coast in Brisbane, our friend Dr. Barry Corrigan reports that tour and hotel operators of Queensland’s tourism-dependent Gold Coast region aren’t waiting for further medical surveys to start cashing in on what they see as an unprecedented promotional bonanza. “It’s not clear yet what any follow-up studies may show,” says veteran tour guide Rolf Sickerdick,”but as far as people here concerned the case is made already..masturbating IN AUSTRALIA wards off cancer. And that’s what we’re going to be marketing.” Sickerdick’s firm is already packaging Great Barrier Reef sail trips aimed an expected surge of American visitors “Pleasure cruise takes on a whole new meaning aboard our state-of-the-art schooner the Wankee Trader!” proclaims one brochure. Two new uber-neon-studded beach-front dance palaces, The Choked Chicken and Monkey Spanker will open their doors to an anticipated clamoring clientele next month while certain restaurants plan to lure Canadian and Jamaican visitors with heavily advertised nightly “jerked chicken at your table” specials. And the local Warner-Brothers theme park is said to be exploring how to tastefully pander to the family trade with Woody Woodpecker.



Corrigan notes that plans have already been announced for an extravagant 900-seat cabaret-style nightspot that will be named Le Club sWANK and erected, appropriately, next to the world’s tallest residential building, the Q1 (“The Shaft”) perhaps now destined to be more emblematic of the city than ever. For his part, Mahoney will attend the Sydney ISSC conference with an eye to possibly getting funding for a similar prostate-link study underway here in Fort Lauderdale (a Sister City to Queensland’s Gold Coast). “There couldn’t be a more natural place in the US for such a survey,” says Mahoney. After all, everyone KNOWS what the peninsula state is shaped like.”

AMAZING STORY UPDATES…

Family sources report that owners of the Hong Kong-based Fong-Wam-Bang Electronics empire are having second thoughts about financing American-born grandson Fu-Tze (Footsie) Feldman in a 2008 US Congressional race. For one thing, they reason, the Democrats control Congress again so how effective could a freshman Republican like Feldman be even if he won? Another cause for concern is the prediction by psychic Herschel Gomez that Footsie will woo and subsequently marry pop-star Britney Spears later in the year. From Malaysia, uncle Chuk Wam-Bang says he thinks the reclusive grandparents reckon a showbiz marriage and a simultaneous political campaign would draw far too much inquisitive publicity for the family to handle… Just six days after we relayed the story from Cowpie Corral, Alberta concerning a miraculous papal visage on a schoolboy’s apple, some 2,000 people swarmed into the town of San Enrique in the Philippines on Christmas Day to view an image of Jesus Christ that seemed appear on the trunk of an acacia tree. There was some difference of opinion whether you had to be standing 10-feet away while light hits the trunk in a certain way and whether there was also an angel hovering behind the face. The San Enrique mayor guessed there might be a logical explanation for the appearance while a skeptical town pastor flatly proclaimed the apparition a hoax. Sadly, that’s the also the latest word from Cowpie Flats as well where eighth-grader Barton Gilhooley ultimately confessed to doctoring his Granny Smith apple with an emerald magic marker. He explained was trying for an image of Wayne Gretsky but wound up with something that witnesses said looked like a younger version of Pope Benedict instead. He was suspended from Meadow Muffin Middle for three days over the prank.

ON THIS DATE IN AMAZING HISTORY…

15 JANUARY 1346 Holy Roman Emperor Louis IV of Bavaria bestows upon his wife Margaretha, Holland and the oft-contested, war-torn province of Zealand. He would have preferred to give her a New Zealand but it would take Dutch navigator Abel Tasman 400 years to show up and find one.

15 JANUARY 1535 Henry VIII declares himself head of the English Church and thereby replaces Pope Clement VII, in the hearts of his subjects, as the model for Christian rectitude and moral probity that the British Royals have upheld to the present day.

15 JANUARY 1920 Prohibition (the 18th Amendment or Dry Law) goes into effect in the United States driving “demon rum” underground where it flourishes and “speakeasies” sprout up in thousands of communities across America. Selling liquor and beer becomes illegal but not drinking so millions of Yanks encourage lawbreakers and organized crime hits the Big Time. The 18th Amendment is repealed in 1933 and brazen flouting of the law is once more largely confined to politicians.

15 JANUARY 1955 Nearly ten years after the shooting stopped, the USSR, moving with characteristic dispatch and deliberation ends its state of war with the German Federal Republic (West Germany). Six years afterward, the Russians build a wall across Berlin that will stand until the Soviet Union itself begins to fracture in the 1980s.