Monster ‘Mozzies’ Menace Oz Motorists

Big Mozzie - Big Road Troubles

As if the ongoing Bird Flu threat isn’t enough to trouble our friends Down Under, anxious specialists at the South Australian Royal Entomological Research Station still await additional evidence (such as the capture of a live specimen) of a wholly new crypto-biological phenomenon. According to my esteemed colleague, Dr. Barry Corrigan in Brisbane, who is in close contact with the Adelaide research team, preliminary testimonial evidence collected by state investigators suggests that a mutant strain of gargantuan mosquito (possibly introduced from Indochina) has begun to spread across the Outback and may soon threaten coastal cities.

These monster “mozzies” are nothing if not impressive--approximately eight-and-half-times the size of the largest native species-- and said to resemble fluttering tarantulas with their thick hairy legs.

Unlike ordinary mosquitoes, this jumbo variety has no stomach for blood but apparently feeds rather on a specific type of transmission fluid common to some of the priciest imported automobiles. Owners typically are unaware of the problem until several thousand dollars worth of damage has resulted.

Wealthy ranchers are justifiably alarmed at the prospect of breakdowns, hundreds of kilometers from the nearest petrol station, induced from these attacks. Mercedes and Acuras seem particularly alluring to these creatures although they’ve been known to go after a Volvo or even a Honda on occasion. There is, as yet, no reported instance of them feeding off an American or Australian make.



Iconic Ozzie Classics Ignored


Exactly how these big buzzing bugs (up close they sound roughly like model airplanes, according to witnesses) enter the transmission pan remains a mystery. It’s theorized that they fly close to the ground and obviously never attack a vehicle in motion. Owners of the most at risk car makes are being urged to park their vehicles in secure garages whenever possible.

Quite apart from the threat to the region’s imported automobile motorists, news of these extraordinary critters, if confirmed, could torpedo the tourist season already floundering in depressed revenues and bad press over drought and brush fires. The insects have no formal name as yet but migrant Chilean vineyard workers who have chased them off vehicles have taken to calling the creatures “coche-busteros volantes” or flying carbusters.


It was Abe, Honest

Even as a trickle of true believers continue to seek out a West Hollywood, FL home each year in hope of seeing yet another vision of the Virgin Mary on one more cheese sandwich, we are informed that another as yet unexplained South Florida phenomenon has occurred at a Miami Beach deli where witnesses allegedly reported seeing an image of the Prophet Abraham clearly defined on a poppy seed bagel. A local rabbi summoned to the restaurant carefully examined the object with a panel of six Yeshiva graduates before he pronounced the object stale (the Prophet’s “beard” was actually mold) and asked for a cheese Danish instead.


Raysin with the Moon

Cheeky actress trains

One time Edinburgh adult film actress Tracie Raysin is threatening litigation to stop her former personal manager from re-releasing a series of X-rated DVDs shot (on Betamax) when she was only 17-years-old. The titles include the notorious Debbie does Davey in which a spectacularly endowed Australian soccer player impersonates a member of the Monkees. In Murmur on the Orient Express, Tracie exhibits considerable cheek in a train compartment window during a passionate rail trip to Istanbul.

Miss Raysin, who sports a 52-inch bust, has been trying for several years to make the transition toward mainstream movies and recently had a cameo appearance in the adult Civil War epic “Gettysburg Undressed” as a Confederate manatee. She is hoping to land a supporting role in Oliver Stone’s forthcoming between-wars saga “Get Thee Hither, Hitler” based on the controversial memoirs of Bavarian actress Jenny Lipmann, Eva Braun’s drama coach at a Düsseldorf University.